The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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