i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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