Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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