oh god the rape fog is back!
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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