never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
