I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
as a side note pls kill me
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
