Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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