I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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