Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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