My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
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