so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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