Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
