I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
