My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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