God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
