You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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