i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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