I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
