Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
