hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
