Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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