I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
