I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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