someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
