he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
