I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Randomize
