I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
