pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
