got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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