Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
