Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
