I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
this beer tastes like vomit already
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
