I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
