I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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