I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
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Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
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Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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