I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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