he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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