I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
