I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
