I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
What drink are we having for lunch?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
