One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
