R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
