You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
