I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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