quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Randomize
