I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
