if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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