I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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