today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Randomize
