My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
