It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
It was confusing and full of hummus
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
