i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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