good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
